So I think it's about time I give you Part 2 of "
No Strings Attached" - aka the rest of my debauchery filled weekend in Vegas with strippers, orgies, and naked ladies asking me to unwrap their "presents."
I left you off at our first night of insanity in which I experienced my first ever strip club... the Mecca that is
Spearmint Rhino. Seriously, I think everyone should have to make at least one pilgrimage to this sacred naked place at least once in their lives.
Anyway, I really didn't think our weekend could get any better/bizarre/awesome, but boy was I wrong.
Night 2:
It all began with my desire to attend my all time favorite bar in Vegas... Coyote Ugly. Before you judge, hear me out. It's a semi-casual place where (if you know the right tricks) you can get in for free, hott ladies dance on bars, hott ladies give out free shots, and regular ladies can buy one drink and get the other free. It's a win-win-win-win situation. I went there over spring break in college, and lets just say that while I don't remember most of the night, the pictures say so much:
Note: My red tongue... I would like to thank the hott ladies dancing on the bar for pouring alcohol into my mouth all night.
NO idea what happened here... but this was totally my Facebook profile pic for about 6 months.
Anyway, suffice to say I wanted to return to Coyote Ugly during our trip.
Kelsey made that happen.
After a day of drinking, gambling, and a trip to the Price is Right (yes, you read correctly), we wandered over to Coyote Ugly. Now, usually I would want to get all fancied up to go out in Vegas... but I was drunk already and didn't want to go all the way back to the hotel to get changed. So, in jeans and a white tee (and my big yellow Price is Right name-tag still on), we went to the club.
After a few drinks, I may or may not have climbed up on the bar to dance with the other ladies.
Okay, I did. And...
It.
Was.
Awesome.
After dancing my little heart out, I jumped down from the bar and started making my way over towards Kelsey. As I was walking, I heard a gentleman's voice scream "MEGAN?!?!?"
I immediately turned around, searching for what I assumed was my long lost best friend. However, all I saw was a creepy man grinning at me, reaching for my arm. He then grabbed my elbow and said "OH MY GOD!!!! I haven't seen you since like high school! How have you been?!?!?"
Okay, so seriously, this guy was like 35 and clearly not in my high school age bracket. I was utterly confused. And, he kept blatantly looking at my chest.
I get it. I have big boobs. But, come on, at least TRY to be subtle.
Then, it dawned on me. I still had on my Price is Right name tag.
I immediately jumped into the conversation.
Me: OH MY GODDDDD! How have you been?!!?!?
Him: GREAT! It has been so long.... remember when we dated in high school?!
Me: Of course! Remember when we had sex?
Him: (momentarily shocked that I went
there) YES!
Me: Yeah, you were my first. You weren't that good.
Him: I've gotten better over the years...
Me: Doubtful.
We then had a good laugh as though we really
were long lost high school friends and lovers.
He then put out his hand to introduce him self for real, but I couldn't really hear him. I simply shook my head and pretended to understand, and then he went into a huge diatribe about how he's visiting with his wife and in-laws and two kids. He went on and on and provided an inordinate amount of information that I really didn't give a shit about, but I tried to act as though I was listening, when in reality I was looking past him to the gyrating women on the stage.
This went on for about 3 minutes, when finally Kelsey appeared.
I introduced him to her, in the hopes that he would leave me the fuck alone and start annoying her instead (I know, I'm an awesome girlfriend).
As Kelsey and the creep are chatting, I happily stood off to the side and watched the amazingness going on around me. I quickly noticed a semi-attractive woman standing in my peripheral vision. When I turned to look at her, the creep speaks up and says "OH! Megan! This is my wife!"
Wow, did he score out of his league.
Anyway, I introduce myself, and the creep goes back to talking to Kelsey, who, at this point looks like a deer in headlights and is making a face that says "SAVE ME!!!!!"
It was hysterical and cute all at once.
I kindly ignored her silent pleas for help, and turned back to the bar (which doubled as a stage). The wife of the creep then just stood there with me... shoulder to shoulder, watching the show. As we mildly swayed to the music in our semi-awkward silence, her hand kept grazing mine at my side, and she kept looking at me with this odd look.
Now, ladies in general do not hit on me. I'm pretty much the worst lesbian of life because I NEVER get hit on in bars. Seriously. People always think I'm the "straight friend" and therefore I get none. So, I'm not used to ladies giving me the "come hither stare."
After a few minutes of wondering, "is she constipated?" I realized she was attempting to hit on me telepathically. I was flattered and startled all at once. I looked over to Kelsey with my own deer in headlights stare, which was only returned by the creepster giving me the symbol for cunnilingus with his hand. You know, the "V" with your tongue in between? Yeah, that.
I moved a few steps over towards them, so could hear WTF they were talking about.
Warning: This conversation goes well beyond the line of socially acceptable. Read at your own risk.Creep: ...right? This is how you should do it?
< insert crazy tongue motions to which I looked HIGHLY disturbed >
Me: ummm...that looks mildly painful... maybe you should reconsider your technique.
Creep: well, you should teach me! I'm an eager learner! I always want to learn more...
Me: ummm, maybe she should help you with that (pointing at wife)
Wife (stage whisper to me): he really does try, but it's just not the same...
Me: the same as whaaa...
Creep (interrupting me and pulling me aside): listen, my wife loves being with women.
Me: Oh....... yeah?....
Creep: the last time we were with a lesbian, I just watched and she ate her out all night. She just can't get enough.
Me: ....................
(I'm sure I looked like this:)
Creep then turned back to Kelsey and the wife, who were chatting merrily amongst themselves.
The tables had completely turned; I could not wipe the deer caught in headlight look from my face, and Kelsey just grinned knowingly.
I think we both get a kick out of each other's uncomfortable-ness. It's love.
The next thing I hear is creep saying, "Hey, let's get a picture together!!"
I immediately smile and say, "GREAT IDEA! You and Kelsey get together!!!"
...I'm a bitch, I know.
Creep then does the sign for cunnilingus once again and proceeds to lick Kelsey's face.
I was shocked. I was grossed out. I was slightly amused.
Next, it was my turn.
Kelsey immediately took the camera and looked at me with a gleeful expression that said, "PAYBACK!"
I put my arm around the wife's shoulders, trying to keep everything PG, but I was instantly aware of her hand on my hip squeezing a little too tightly. I looked at her with an expression of "really? are you doing this right now?" and she just grinned knowingly and turned back to the camera.
As Kelsey was getting ready to take the picture, Creep yelled "heyy! You two should totally kiss!"
I looked to Kelsey with sheer terror in my eyes and hoped that she would go all jealous girlfriend for me and kick his ass. Instead, she just grinned. Payback is a bitch. A bitch named Kelsey.
I said "ummm, I don't know about that..." to which Kelsey mercifully nodded her head in agreement (thank God she took
some pity on me). Creep took in this information and seemed to ponder it for a moment before he said "Okay, well how about you at least touch tongues!"
At this point, I had to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.
Creep looked incredibly hopeful, wifey was nodding anxiously next to me, and Kelsey was laughing and shaking her head in disbelief.
"I think that's a great idea!" said Kelsey as she lifted the camera... evidently her payback wasn't over. (In Kelsey's defense, she
did get licked in the face my the biggest creep this side of the Mississippi.)
... and there I found myself, in the middle of Coyote Ugly kinda-sorta-french-kissing a complete
married stranger with her husband clapping in the background and my girlfriend laughing manically at me. It was Vegas magic.
I then tried to act as nonchalant as possible and went back to watching the gyrating women on the stage. After a few minutes of refusing to turn my head an acknowledge the ever-present company of wifey, I decided it was time to suck it up and locate Kelsey to make sure she was okay.
It didn't take long to find her. She kind of stuck out. In a crowd of smiling drunken people, there was Kelsey:
I immediately rushed over and heard creep saying, "I'll just watch..."
Kelsey, at this point was catatonic and looked like she had just seen a ghost. I turned to face him.
Me: Ummmm, what?
Creep: Oh, I was just telling Kels that we're having a party back at our place tonight, and you two should totally come < creepy wink and arm around Kelsey's shoulders >
Me: Oh, that's weird... I thought you had your kids with you.
Creep: We got rid of them for the night, they're next door with my in-laws.
At this point, I realize he's not going to give up, so I figured I'd level with him on his own terms.
Me: Don't you think they'd hear us? I mean come on... < gesturing between all four of us, as thought it meant something >
Creep: Ohh... ummmm, it should be fine... they're heavy sleepers. They'd never know.
Me: Yeah, I dunno... things can get pretty rowdy. I wouldn't want to have to explain that.
Creep: < takes a moment to collect himself and form an argument > Well, we've done this before, we'll just turn up the TV and you'll just have to do your best to stay quiet.
Me: Okay, well there's one other problem.
Creep: What's that?
Me: You.
Creep: What?!?!?!
Me: You. If you have failed to realize that Kelsey and I are lesbians, then I apologize for not being straightforward when I introduced her as my girlfriend. But, regardless, being a lesbian by definition means that I don't get down with the peen. Seriously, just thinking of that thing makes me want to hurl.
Creep: Oh, well Kelsey basically said the same thing. I'll just sit in the corner and watch, it's fine. I won't touch at all.
Me: Just the thought of having a penis in the same room as me while that's happening... no way. Gross. No.
Creep: Well, I would need to be there.
Me: Yeah, well I guess that's just too bad then.
Creep: Look, maybe we could work something out.
Me: Doubtful.
Creep: Look at my wife. Isn't she hott?
Me: Yes, you're wife is very beautiful. I don't see your point. You still have a penis.
Creep: She LOVES being with women. She's like an animal. I can't stop her, she just wants to fuck all night when she's with girls. She'll fuck you all night. And it's a win-win for me because I can learn how to better please her.
Wife: It's true, he could use some pointers.
Once again, I was flabbergasted. At this point Kelsey came out of her creep-induced haze and appeared at my side, tugging on my arm towards the exit.
Me: What? Are we leaving?
Kelsey: We need to get out of here. They're going to kill us.
Me: Sweetie, I don't think they're going to murder us...at least not here in the club.
Kelsey: If we go to their hotel room they will!!!!!
Me: Ummm, well no shit. We're not going to the hotel room.
Kelsey began to pull on my arm once again, clearly still traumatized.
I turned to Creep and did my best to look apologetic.
Me: We need to run! It was really great meeting you! Have a great trip with your family!
Creep: Noooo! Wait! At least let me get your number so I can call you later for the party! < another creepy wink >
Kelsey looked like she was going to shit out her heart. I had to take advantage...again, payback is a bitch. A bitch named Megan.
Me: Sure! ...Kelsey, give him your number!!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'm evil. Kelsey took the phone as though it were a foreign object and held it mid-air. I nudged her, "go on, give Creep your number so we can get freaky deeky later."
Kelsey punched some nonsense into the phone and literally RAN out of the bar as I waved to wifey and Creepster.
When we got to the escalator, she kept looking behind us to make sure we weren't being followed.
Kelsey: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED.
Me: Did you give them your real number?
Kelsey: OF COURSE NOT! ARE YOU KIDDING?
Me: Oh, well that's a bummer. That party sounded like fun. Dammit.
Kelsey: I hate you.
Me: I love Vegas. Want to go to Spearmint Rhino?
